A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around his cheeks.
“I have just the thing,” says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. “Just place this between your cheek and gum.”
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.
After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, “And what if I swallow it?”
“No problem,” says the barber. “Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does.”
Marriage Guidance Counselling
A husband and wife go visit a marriage counsellor. First, the wife speaks to the counsellor alone.
The counsellor asks, “You say you’ve been married 20 years, so what seems to be the problem?”
The wife replies, “It’s my husband — he’s driving me crazy! I’m going to leave him if he continues!”
“How does he drive you crazy?”
“For 20 years,” she says, “he’s been doing these stupid things. First, whenever we go out, he’s always looking at the floor and refuses to go near anyone. It’s very embarrassing.”
The marriage counsellor is amused, “Anything else?”
“He keeps picking his nose all the time, even in public!”
“Hmm, anything else?” probes the counsellor further.
The wife hesitates, “whenever we’re making love, he NEVER lets me be on top! Once in a while, I’d like to be in control!”
“Ah,” says the counsellor, “I think I’ll talk to your husband now.” So the wife goes out of the room and the husband enters.
The counsellor tells him, “Your wife says that you’ve been driving her crazy. She might even leave you.”
The husband looks shocked, “What? For 20 years I’ve been loving and considerate and I’ve always given her what she wants! What could be the problem?”
The counsellor explains, “She says that you’ve got these habits that are driving her crazy. First, you’re always acting strange in public–looking at the floor and never going near anyone else.”
The husband looks concerned, “Oh, you don’t understand! It’s one of the few things my father told me to do in his deathbed and I swore I’d obey everything he said.”
“What did he say?”
“He said that I should never step on anyone’s toes!”
The counsellor looks amused, “Actually, that means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry.”
The husband looks sheepish, “Oh. Okay.”
The counsellor continues, “And you keep picking your nose in public.”
“Well, its another thing my father specifically commanded me to do! He told me to always keep my nose clean.”
The counsellor looks faint, “That means that you should not indulge in any criminal activity.”
“Oh,” says the husband looking very stupid.
“And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during your lovemaking.”
“This,” says the husband seriously, “is the last thing my father commanded me to do on his deathbed and it’s the most important thing.”
“What did he say?”
The husband replies, “In his dying breath, he said ‘Don’t screw up.'”
Darryl & Harold
Darryl and Harold were in a mental institution. The place had an unusual annual contest, picking two of the best patients and giving them two questions. If they got them correct, they were deemed cured and free to go.
Darryl was called into the doctor’s office first and asked if he understood that he’d be free if he answered the questions correctly.
Darryl said “Yes” and the doctor proceeded. “Darryl, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?”
Darryl said, “I’d be half blind.”
“That’s correct. What if I poked out both eyes?”
“I’d be completely blind.”
The doctor stood up, shook Darryl’s hand, and told him he was free to go.
On Darryl’s way out, as the doctor filled out the paperwork, Darryl mentioned the exam to Harold, who was seated in the waiting room. He told him what questions were going to be asked and gave him the answers.
So Harold went into the doctor’s office when he was called. The doctor went thru the formalities and then asked, “What would happen if I cut off one of your ears?”
Remembering what Darryl had told him, he answered, “I’d be half blind.”
The doctor looked a little puzzled, but went on. “What if I cut off the other ear?”
“I’d be completely blind,” Harold answered.
“Harold, can you explain how you’d be blind?”
“My hat would fall down over my eyes.”
IN AND OUT
Once there was a family of skunks who lived in a hollow tree. There were two baby skunks and their names were In and Out.
Now whenever In went out, Out came in, and whenever Out went out, In came in. If In happened to be in and wanted to go out, he would not go out until Out came in. And if Out happened to be in, and wanted to go out, he would not go out until In came in.
One day a big storm blew up, and the mother and father skunks were worried about their children. So they quickly looked around to see whether In was in and Out was out or if Out was in and In was out. Out happened to be in right then. The mother skunk said to Out, “Out, go out and bring In in, please. I’m worried about him.”
Out said, “Sure thing, Mama.” So Out went out, and for the very first time Out and In were out at the same time. Just a minute or two later Out came back in, and In came in behind him. For the first time in a long time In and Out were in at the same time.
The mother skunk was amazed. “Out, how did you find your brother so quickly?” she asked.
“Oh, Mama, it was easy,” Out said. “In stinked!”
An Indian tracker is taking some pioneers through the plains in the mid-1800s. Suddenly, he stops and points “Bear have babies” he says.
One of the younger pioneers runs up and asks “How’d you know that?”
“I know these things” replied the Indian
They continue their journey and a little while later the Indian stops, points and says “deer tracks”
“How’d you know that?” asks the young pioneer once again.
“I know these things”
After another hour of journeying the Indian jumps off his horse and puts his ear to the ground. “Buffalo come”.
How’d you know that?”
STRANGERS ON A PLANE
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, ‘Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.’
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, ‘What would you like to talk about?’
‘Oh, I don’t know,’ said the stranger. ‘How about nuclear power?’ and he smiles.
‘OK, ‘ she said. ‘That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass – . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?’
The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, ‘Hmmm, I have no idea.’
To which the little girl replies, ‘Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know sh*t?
Two older women are sitting on a bench waiting for a bus.
The first lady takes out a cigarette and starts to smoke. A minute later it begins to rain, so she takes out a condom, cuts off the end, and carefully places it over the cigarette to shield it from the rain.
The second lady looks at that and says, “That’s such a good idea, but what is that plastic thing?”
“It’s a condom,” The first lady replies.
“Well, where can you buy those?” the second lady asks.
“Um… Most people buy them at pharmacies,” the first lady replies.
So the second lady goes to a pharmacy and walks up to the counter.
“Do you guys sell those condom things?” she asks the pharmacist.
“Why yes we do,” the pharmacist says a little confused, “Do you know what size you need?”
So the lady says, “Well it’s got to fit a Camel.”
TEXAN WITH A TOOTHACHE
A Texas cowboy went to the dentist with a toothache. After an exam, the dentist told the cowboy he had a tooth that had to come out.
“I’m going to give you a shot of Novocain,” the dentist explained, “and I’ll be back in just a few minutes.”
The old cowboy grabbed the doc’s arm and said, “No way! I hate needles and I ain’t havin’ no shot!”
The dentist said, “That’s ok, we’ll just go with gas instead.”
The cowboy replied, “Gas makes me sick! I ain’t havin’ no gas either!”
Without saying a word, the dentist turned and left the room for a minute, and when he came back, he handed the cowboy a glass of water and said, “Here, take this pill.”
The cowboy looked at the pill and asked, “What is it?”
The dentist replied, “It’s Viagra.”
The old cowboy looked surprised and asked, “Will that kill the pain?”
“No,” replied the dentist, “but it’ll give you something to hang on to while I pull that tooth.”
Over the last few months I have become a victim of a clever Eastern European scam while out shopping. Simply calling into Asda Walmart turned out to be quite an experience. Don’t be naive enough to think it couldn’t happen to you or your friends.
Here’s how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking voluptuous 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start cleaning your windscreen, their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they’ll say ‘No’ and instead ask you for a lift to the town centre.
You agree and they both get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing, until both are completely naked. Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you, and thrusting herself against you, while the other one steals your wallet!
I had my wallet stolen August 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th and 28th. On September 1st, 4th, 6th and twice yesterday. So please warn all the older men you know to be on the lookout for this scam. The best times seem to be just before lunch, and about 4:30 in the afternoon.
LUMBERJACK JOB INTERVIEW
A Norwegian applied for a job as a logger deep in the Canadian woods.
The foreman took him into the bush to test his knowledge of logging. He stopped the truck, pointed at a tree, and said, “See that tree over there? Tell me its species and how many board feet of lumber are in it.”
The Norwegian immediately replied, “Dat dere’s a sitka spruce, eh? And she got 383 board feet of lumber in ‘er.”
The foreman was impressed. He drove a little farther, pointed at another tree, and asked the same question.
“Lord tunderin’. Dat’s yer Douglas fir. 690 board feet.”
They drove a little farther, and the foreman asked again.
“Yeller cedar. 242 board feet.”
The foreman was surprised — this Norwegian is correct and quick, not even using a calculator. He drove back to the office a little offended because the Norwegian is better at his game than he was. As they neared the office, the foreman figured out how to get the best of the new guy.
He stopped the truck, handed the Norwegian a piece of chalk, and said, “See that tree over there? Mark an X on the front of it.” The foreman thought, “How could he know which is the front of a tree?”
The Norwegian walked around the tree looking at the ground, then reached up, and marked an X on its trunk. “Dat’s da front a’ dat tree, fer sure.”
The foreman laughed and asked sarcastically, “Now what makes you think that’s the front of that tree?”
The Norwegian looked down at his feet, rubbed the toe of one boot on the grass, and replied, “Cuz somebody took a crap behind it, eh!”
He got the job and is now the foreman.
LOST AT SEA
Many years ago, a fisherman’s wife blessed her husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn’t think of what to name their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, “Let’s not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us.”
After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would also turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn’t matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction. “Let’s call the boys Towards and Away,” suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as Towards and Away.
The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, “Boys, it is time that learned how to make a living from the sea.” They provisioned their ship, said their goodbyes, and set sail for a three month voyage.
The three months passed quickly for the fisherman’s wife, yet the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship. Three whole years passed before the grieving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house. She recognized him as her husband. “My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?” she cried.
The ragged fisherman began to tell his story: “We were just barely one whole day out to sea when Towards hooked into a great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again.”
“Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must of been!”
“Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away….”
ONE NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM
Benny Shapiro worked at the Metropolitan Museum of Art. He used to tell his friends that he was the curator, although his primary job was to keep the exhibits clean and polished. One day he happened to be dusting around the Arabian exhibit, and he noticed an ancient urn that needed some cleaning. He got out his dust rag and began polishing. Low and behold, an enormous Genie appeared before him.
“Master,” the Genie began, “I am the Genie of the urn. I can grant you three wishes, but there is one condition I will put on you: You must never shave or cut your beard for the rest of your life, or you will be forced to take my place inside the urn forever.”
Benny thought about it for a bit, and decided it was a fair condition for three wishes. So Benny wished for 49% of the total Microsoft stock which was promptly granted. Then he wished for the most beautiful woman in the world as his wife, and low and behold, she was. Finally, he wished for fame and fortune and he instantly became a worldwide celebrity.
Over the years, Benny’s beard became longer and longer until it almost reached the floor. As it grew longer, it began to itch. He tried to ignore it, but the itch became more and more irritating, while the memory of the Genie’s warning faded.
Finally he decided he had to get rid of the beard and he shaved it off. Instantly he was trapped in the urn, to stay there forever.
The moral of the story: A Benny shaved is a Benny urned.
A recent Italian immigrant to New York wanted a job, but the foreman won’t hire him until he passes a little math test.
“Here’s your first question,” the foreman said. “Without using numbers, represent the number 9.”
“Without numbers?” the Italian says, “Dat is easy.” And he proceeds to draw three trees.
“What’s this?” the boss asks.
“Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine,” says the Italian.
“Fair enough,” says the boss. “Here’s your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.”
The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. “Here you go.”
The boss scratches his head and says, “How on earth do you get that to represent 99?”
“Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it’s dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99.”
“All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.”
The Italian man stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, “Here you go. One hundred.”
The boss looks at the attempt. “You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!”
The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, “A little dog came along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, dat make one hundred. So, when I start?”
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court the trucking companies fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. “Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine’?” said the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, “Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite mule Bessie into the…….”
I didn’t ask for any details,” the lawyer interrupted, “just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine!'”
Farmer Joe said, “Well, d just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road…”
The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favourite mule Bessie.”
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, “Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He went over to my mule first, and after he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, “Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her – how are you feeling?”
FACTS OF LIFE
A couple took their young son for his first visit to the circus, and by chance their seats were next to the elephant pen.
When his father left to buy popcorn, the boy piped up, “Mom, what’s that long thing on the elephant?”
“That’s the elephant’s trunk, dear,” she replied.
“No, not that.”
“Oh, that’s the elephant’s tail.”
“No, Mom. Down underneath.”
His mother blushed and said, “Oh, that’s nothing.”
Pretty soon the father returned, and the mother went off to get a soda. As soon as she had left the boy repeated his question.
“That’s the elephant’s trunk, son.”
“Dad, I know what an elephant’s trunk is. The thing at the other end.”
“Oh, that’s the elephant’s tail.”
“No. Down there.”
The father took a good look and explained, “That’s the elephant’s penis.”
“Dad, how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?”
The man took a deep breath and replied, “Son, I’ve spoiled that woman.”
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, “If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?”
“No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless man replied.
“Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?” the man asked.
“No, I don’t gamble,” the homeless man said. “I need everything I can get just to stay alive.”
“Will you spend it on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?” the man asked.
“Are you nuts!” replied the homeless man. “I haven’t played golf in 20 years!”
“Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?” the man asked.
“What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?!!” exclaimed the homeless man.
“Well,” said the man, “I’m not going to give you the money. Instead, I’m going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.”
The homeless man was astounded. “Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.”
The man replied, “That’s okay. I just want her to see what a man looks like who’s given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex.”
Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks, “Have you got the time?” Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases, and glances at his wrist. “It’s a quarter to six,” he says.
“Hey, that’s a pretty fancy watch!” exclaims the stranger.
Jake brightens a little. “Yeah, it’s not bad. Check this out” …and he shows him a time zone display, not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropoli. He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says, “The time is eleven ’til six” in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Jake continues, “I’ve put in regional accents for each city. The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding.”
The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. “That’s not all,” says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very high-resolution map of New York City appears on the display. “The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning,” explains Jake. “View recede ten”, Jake says, “and the display changes to show eastern New York state.
“I want to buy this watch!” says the stranger.
“Oh, no, it’s not ready for sale yet; I’m still working out the bugs,” says the inventor.
“But look at this,” and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books, “though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far,” says Jake.
“I’ve got to have this watch!” says the stranger.
“No, you don’t understand; it’s not ready!”
“I’ll give you £1000 for it!”
“Oh, no, I’ve already spent more than…”
“I’ll give you £5000 for it!”
“But it’s just not…”
“I’ll give you £15,000 for it!” as the stranger pulls out his cheque book.
Jake stops to think. He’s only put about £8500 into materials and development, and with £15,000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in six months.
The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. “Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now £15,000. Take it or leave it.”
Jake abruptly makes his decision. “OK,” he says, and peels off the watch. They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away.
“Hey, wait a minute,” calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around warily. Jake points to the two suitcases he’d been trying to wrestle through the bus station. “Don’t forget your batteries.”
HOME IMPROVEMENT LOAN
One day while at her job as a bank loan officer, Patty Black, had a frog hop onto her desk and say, “I would like to apply for a lily-pad improvement loan.”
Patty looked incredulously at the frog and said, “I’m sorry, we don’t loan money to frogs.”
To which the frog replied, “I have collateral,” as he handed her a small ceramic trinket.
Not wanting to be impolite, Patty said, “I don’t know. I’ll have to talk to the bank manager.”
She walked back to the manager’s office and said, “There is a frog out here, asking for a lily-pad improvement loan, and this trinket is all he has for collateral.”
The bank manager picked up the trinket and looked at it carefully.
Then smiling he turned to Patty and said, “Why it’s a knick-knack, Patty Black. Give the frog a loan.”